Oneshots in all it's crackish glory
by ScifiSOS
Summary: SLASH-HPDM,BZRW,PPHG,lemon,crack,random,boredom,toys.I wrote six oneshots and put them all in this SACRED DOCUMENT!What is it about?toys,marriage,pictures,random,Draco's rant of lies,Uke's n seme's something about Burger king dude.yeah sugar high oneshots


_**Well, my imagination was bored and hence some kind of very hot image popped up in my mind. I put two and two in my head and came up with something called an IDEA. –claps- I can THINK! WOOT! Oh and each oneshot has absolutely nothing to do with each other so don't think it's like a small series of oneshots. All I know is that the couples are the same XD.**_

_**1 Title: Boxes**_

_**2 Title: Caught**_

_**3 Title: Pictures mean Horny**_

_**4 Title: You're host – Blaise Zabini!**_

_**5 Title: The Toy**_

_**6 Title: Draco's Rant**_

_**Warning **__****__** THIS ONESHOT CONTAINS **__**YAOI/SLASH/SHOUNEN-AI**__** you don't like it you say? Then get the fuck out of my story. There will be **__**LEMON**__**, for those who don't know – VERY HOT SEX SCENES – oh and if you have read my story before you know it's usually same couple but if you haven't my sex scenes are most likely to be **__**GUYxGUY**__**! You are warned.**_

_**BTW its hard slash and soft slash so don't expect lemon in every single one XD.**_

_**Any flames against slash will not be tolerated – Have a nice day! **_

--

Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN HARRY POTTER! – really if I did it would be like this: **9 p.m – all night long. PARTY FOR THE GAY MEN IN HOGWARTS!! – a.k.a ORGGYYYY!!**

**--**

_**1 Oneshot: Boxes**_

_**--**_

I looked up when everyone started squealing excitingly. Owls are coming. I sighed. I highly doubt my family will send me anything.

"Dray!" a voice called me. I gave my friend, Pansy a bored look. She raised an eyebrow. "Jesus, without you're boyfriend here you're really dull."

I sneered at her. Who's my boyfriend? Well – let's just say the Golden boy and I got a little friendly last year (**A/N – sixth year lolz**). It wasn't until summer where I got a letter from him.

I graduated from being a fuck buddy to a boyfriend, don't worry I didn't do it for any bad intentions. I did it because I actually like him, okay I love him so much it's silly but hey. I can't help it.

THUD!

I jumped at the package that landed right in front of me. Damn that owl! I inspected the box and smiled. "It's from Harry!"

Pansy grabbed it and started tearing at the package. I took it back from her and glared. "No way am I letting you see whatever it is in here." I smiled and gathered his stuff and the package. I left the great hall and headed for the secret room Harry and I shared.

Special memories there – VERY special indeed. I snickered as I went through tiny flashbacks off all the…fun we had in that room.

I walked in it and placed the package on the table that was in the room. I continued the tearing of the box and saw…another box?

What the hell? I started to tear that box just to find a smaller box and it wasn't until six boxes later when I discovered the last box. It was different and kind of cute. It was black with a red heart design on there. When I opened that box I saw a note and immediately took that first.

'_I kind of figured you might look at the note first but I want you to look what else was inside the box before reading anything else.' – Harry_

I tilted my head to the side and put that small note down. I gasped. A beautiful pure silver ring was in the box. I saw some little letters and took the ring out and held it closer, I saw another note attached to the ring and decided to look at that first.

'_Congratulations on finding the second note! Don't pout I'm just joking okay? _

_Well, I would do this in person but I guess I'm an afraid that I'll just make a complete and utter fool of myself. Over the past year that we have been together we have grown close, really close. I love you and you know that. I know you love me too so…I was hoping you'd like to spend the rest of your life with me._

_Draco Malfoy – Will you marry me?'_

I would have fainted right away but all I could do was…let out a squeal of delight. So what I just got proposed to…I get a right to act even a little bit girly. I focused on my breathing to calm myself down and jumped when I felt some arms go around me.

A voice breathed into my ear. "So? What do you say? Do you want to be mine as much as I will be yours for the rest of our lives?"

I smiled and slipped the ring on my ring finger. I liked how it looked on me and turned around in those arms.

"I wouldn't have it any other way Harry." We kissed sweetly.

I'm glad - I'll be with my love for the rest of my life.

--

_**2 Oneshot: Caught**_

_**--**_

Sweat. Heat. Touch. Love. Kiss. Thrust.

"F-Fuck…"

"I am."

Blue eyes glared but rolled to the back when that sweet spot was hit. "B-Blaise." Those skilled tanned hands trailed all over his body. Ron moaned at the patterns those fingers made. The two screamed out as they came and collapsed together. Blaise pulled out and they rested.

They took a while to gather themselves enough to speak. "Well…that was something yet again." Ron whispered out. Blaise just nodded in agreement and got up to find his clothes. Ron smiled.

"I have no clue how you are getting the energy to get up."

Blaise shrugged and Ron sighed. "Okay what's wrong now? You are usually asking for more after we have sex."

Blaise smiled and rolled his eyes. "Nothing you little worry wart."

Ron stared suspiciously. "Right…" He paused and smiled. "You were hoping we'd get caught weren't you? You always love the risk of getting caught."

Blaise laughed. "You know me too well."

Ron smiled. "Of course I do. Blaise, can you gather my clothes for me after you're dressed? My ass hurts."

Blaise laughed and quickly put his clothes back on. He started the search for Ron's clothes. He threw them at his boyfriend. "Hurry and get changed. We're kind of late to Potions."

Ron groaned and started to put his clothes on. "Can't we just skip and cuddle?"

Blaise glared and Ron sighed. "Oh right you don't do cuddle do you?"

Blaise just nodded and went to his boyfriend to place a kiss on top of that red hair. "I don't but I will if you really want me too."

Ron smiled. "You are so whipped." He pulled up his pants just to have Blaise pull them down again. "Hey!"

Blaise smiled and put his hand up that shirt. Ron struggled. "Hey come on! You were the one who wanted me to put them on! Blaise stop!"

"Resistance is futile. Besides...you know you want this."

"Fuck."

"Gladly."

-- 30 minutes later --

Ron glared at Blaise. "This is all your fault."

Blaise smirked and shrug. A cough was heard from the person sitting behind the desk in front of them. Severus Snape glared at them both. "I am sure you both are well aware of what you were doing and where you were doing you're…heated moments."

"Yup." Blaise said cross his legs and leaning back onto the chair. Ron ran a hand through his hair.

"I will deduct 200 points from both of your houses." Snape said calmly. Even though both boys new there was a very angry storm in there. "You are dismissed."

Ron breathed out a breathe of relief and stomped out, completely hating his boyfriend at the moment. Blaise smiled and casually started walking out.

"Zabini?"

"Yes Professor?"

"Stay the fuck out of my room."

"No problemo!" Blaise said with a smirk and left.

Severus glared at the now empty doorway. He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "I need to ask Dumbledore for new living quarters."

--

_**3 Oneshot: Pictures means Horny**_

_**--**_

I took out my new digital camera. Don't laugh when I tell you. I'm Draco Malfoy and YES I know how to use muggle items.

Why do I need a camera? Well…I decided to give it a try instead of using magical ones…okay that isn't it. Pansy broke my magical one and I can't tell my father because he'll get mad and won't get me another one!

Anyways I need to take some pictures for Harry. I started dating the Gryffindor in fifth year secretly. The crush he had one Cho was real, he's bisexual. We dated after he got over that though. I headed towards our secret room that was hidden behind Hogwarts stone walls.

I smiled and turned on the device once I was in the room. I set it up and placed it on the desk that was in there. I stripped and smirked. Harry is going to like this graduation gift.

-- Graduation Day -- third person --

The hats were thrown, screaming was heard and people were wiping away those teary eyes. Couples were kissing. Draco stood there smiling. He mailed his little collection of pictures this morning. He walked through the crowd and headed out without saying anything to his friends.

He jumped as a hand pulled him back and he felt his back being pressed to a chest. "Where do you think you're going?"

Draco smiled. "I was going to get my things Harry. Why else would I leave?"

That hot breath against his ear made him want to moan. His lover bit down on the earlobe before he spoke again. "You have a lot of guts sending these pictures to me as a graduation gift."

Draco felt a familiar melting feeling in his knees. Luckily for him Harry held him up. "Which one did you like the most?"

He felt a smirk pressed against his cheek. "I liked all of them. You were thinking very…naughty during all of them. Especially that one were you finger fucked yourself, or maybe that one with the ribbons, then again there is that one that looked very…delicious. You're fetish for chocolate amazing me sometimes Draco."

Draco moaned as those magical hands travel up his shirt and toyed with a nipple. "H-Harry"

"When you had that dildo up you're tight, beautiful ass were you calling out my name? I hope so…" Harry said. His other hand gripped Draco's chin and turned that face so their lips crashed together in a heated kiss. Draco felt Harry's tongue asking for entrance and he happily granted it. Their battle went long – it was the best thing about being with Harry. Although kind of annoying when Draco always lost but with Harry being bottom is the BEST thing that can happen to you.

"Hey you two! No sex on school grounds!" a voice yelled at them.

The two jumped apart but growled. Draco sneered. "Weasley."

"Oh stop that Draco. It's payback for the time you interrupted Blaise and I." Ron smiled at the two. "I would give you both a hug but I'm terribly afraid of what is between both of your legs."

A man appeared and swung his arm around Ron. "Hey babe! Let's hurry and get out of here – I still have something to shoooow you!"

Ron smiled and kissed the man. Draco covered his eyes. "Blaise, Ron I really don't want to see you kissing – or having sex again. That time was an accident. It also was enough to traumatize me for life."

Blaise laughed and held his lover. "Oh PLEASE! You ran to Harry for a shag after that!"

Draco flushed and Harry laughed loudly.

"Okay you little lovebirds make way for the main attraction." A woman's voice said.

Draco rolled his eyes. "You are hardly an attraction to three gay men Pansy and I highly doubt Harry wants you when he got me." Draco said while Harry took hold of those lovely hips and mumbled something that sounded like a 'damn right.'

Pansy glared and crossed her arms. "Who says I'm talking about me? Hermione, sweetie, come and make your entrance."

Hermione came quickly after waving goodbye to someone. She smiled. "Hey guys!" Before Hermione could say 'what's up?' or something emotional Pansy grabbed the girl and pressed their lips together.

Blaise gagged. Harry faked a moan which caused Draco to glare at his boyfriend. Ron just rolled his eyes but watched with interest.

After snogging the living daylights out of Hermione, Pansy broke the kiss and wrapped her arm around the girl's waist. "That's my graduation gift to you." She said to the boys.

"Pansy if I wanted to be blinded I would have gotten a knife and poke my eyes out." Draco snorted. He whimpered and coward behind Harry when Pansy took out her wand with a wicked smile.

She laughed. "Whatever. I'll be taking off now. I got to pack early. Going to France."

Hermione cocked her head to the side to her lover. "You are? You didn't tell me."

Pansy smiled. "That's because it was meant to be a surprise for you too."

Hermione squealed and glomped her lover. "I LOVE YOU!"

The four boys snorted. "No shit." They shut up when Pansy sent them glares. The face quickly changed into loving and she hugged Hermione.

Blaise said something to Ron which earned him a hit on the head and the girls started snogging each other once again.

Harry took this chance and took Draco away while the others were preoccupied. Soon they were in their secret room and Harry began stripping Draco.

Draco smiled and pulled on Harry's tie so that their lips crashed together. He worked on Harry's clothes while Harry struggled with the blonde's. They started stumbling back until they finally reached the bed. Draco smirked. "Can I top?"

"No."

Draco pouted. "Why not?"

Harry smirked as he pulled down his lover's pants along with the boxers. The hard cock was released and Draco flushed. "Already hard? I say you bottom because you **will** come first."

"Is that a challenge Potter?"

"You bet your ass it is. Now let's both shut up and fuck." Harry said as he released Draco from all clothing. Draco smiled and did the same. Draco slid his body down while leaving a wet trail down Harry's chest. Harry moaned and rested on his elbows to get a good look at Draco. A smirk was on that face when Draco took Harry's cock in that sweet wet cavern. The tongue twirled and played, all while those hands played with the balls. Harry moaned. "Damn Draco you're getting new tricks up your sleeve." Harry let his hand trail down that baby soft skin. Draco moaned as he felt a finger circle his whole and then pressured against it. Harry smiled when he felt Draco's moan vibrate against his cock and put the finger in that tight ass. Draco gasped and took the length out of his mouth. "H-Harry, don't play dirty."

Harry let out a low chuckle. "Please, this is hardly playing dirty." Draco pressed his face against Harry's stomach when that second finger went out. "Then again I know how much you love to get finger fucked. So maybe I am playing dirty." Harry thrusted the fingers deeper and harder. Draco gasped. Draco bit his lip and started thinking. He smiled and slid his skin against Harry, moving upwards. Until both of their erections were aligned next to each other – rubbing against each other. Harry moaned but continued the preparation. Draco took hold of both cocks and stroked at the same speed of Harry's fingers. "D-Draco." Harry moaned out. He pulled his fingers out and forced Draco's hand off both the cocks. "I aint going to lose. Besides I have a good reason for you to be bottom." Harry turned them both so that he was on top. The lips met again and Draco wrapped his arms over those broad, strong shoulders. Their bodies glistened with sex and for them this is barely 'getting started.'

"And…hmmn…what is that….reason? hmmn?" Draco mumbled through the kisses.

Harry pulled back. "Will you marry me?"

Draco stared blankly at Harry. "Why do you ask this during sex?" _'So unromantic' _he thought.

"Because I'm making LOVE to you, not just any sex. That and because I'll win."

Draco sighed and kissed his lover's collarbone. He traced circles on Harry's biscep. "Damn you. You're right."

"So I guess that means yes?"

"Yes, now just fuck me."

Harry growled playfully, without warning, he slammed into Draco. The blonde screamed out in pleasure and pain. Those silver eyes smeared over with pleasure and love. "God, I love it when you're rough." Draco moaned out when Harry fucked him mercilessly on the bed. "I know." Harry panted out. Draco watched as Harry took his cock into the hand and stroked. Draco moaned and gasped every second of it. When Harry leaned down and bit down on the nipple harshly – Draco came. The orgasm had ripped through his body as Harry kept slamming into him. "H-Harry…hurry up and come."

Harry smiled. "Why?" He kept going and Draco found himself getting hard again. "After those pictures you will end up expecting this none stop my beautiful fiancé."

Draco gasped but had a happy dance in the inside when Harry called him 'his fiancé.' Their passionate…fucking kept going until both came – Draco a second time. The two collapsed.

Draco groaned as Harry pulled out. Harry hid his face into Draco's neck. Draco stared at the ceiling and unconsciously started stroking Harry's hair.

"Harry…shouldn't we go get our stuff?"

Harry groaned. "I'll ask Dobby-"

A loud crack was heard and Dobby appeared out of nowhere. "Does Mister Potter need Dobby?"

The two lovers groaned. Harry glanced at Dobby. "Yeah, can you get both of our stuff from out dorms and bring them here? Please?"

"Of course Mister Potter! You are so nice to Dobby so Dobby will do whatever you ask!" the house elf claimed happily.

Draco groaned. _'I wish Harry would tell that elf to shut the fuck up and go already.'_

Harry nodded and mumbled a thanks as Dobby disappeared. Harry pressed a kiss against Draco's neck.

Draco gaped. "You only do that when you're horny…you're not horny are you?"

He felt that smile against his skin. "I remembered the picture where you had come covering your beautiful body, while you licked some off your fingers. That seductive look…can I make that happen again?"

Draco groaned. "See if I ever give you something like that again. No more pictures."

Harry raised himself up and looked at his lover. "That's right. Because they won't be pictures anymore. When we marry and have our own house it will become very…real." Harry used accio to get the ring from his pants pocket and slipped it on Draco's ring finger. He kissed the fingers. "Right?"

Draco sighed. "Damn it."

--

_**Oneshot Title: You're host – BLAISE ZABINI!**_

_**--**_

Hey people! You're host today is none other than the sexy, handsome, dangerously good looking-

Ron: Isn't that the same thing?

Host! BLAAAAAAAAAAISE ZABINI!!

Draco: Hey Weasel – What the hell is your boyfriend doing?

Ron: I don't know. I really don't want to know.

Draco: In other words – you don't know him. Same here.

Ron: - nods- Sometimes I wonder why you aren't my friend when we agree on some points.

Draco: Well it's easy because of you're-

Harry: Cock size.

Draco and Ron: WHAT?!

Blaise: - comes in with that fashionably late pose – sorry for the wait, I know all you people missed me for those few five seconds.

Harry: - snorts – Why is he dressed like the Burger King guy without the weird oversize head?

Draco: There is a burger that's a king?

Ron: Is he editable? Wait, how does he have a head?

Blaise: Today our topic is: Seme's & Uke's!

Draco: What the hell is that?

Harry: - gasps – how can you say that?! You and Ron are the perfect Uke's!

Crowd: - gasps -

Blaise: - pulls Draco n Ron into the spotlight – Good thing you mentioned it Harry! Although you stole my spotlight attention. Ladies and gentlemen I'd like to introduce you to the UKE'S!

Ron: As Malfoy said – WHAT THE HELL IS AN UKE?

Blaise: - kisses Ron to shut him up, breaks kiss – Now for you fangirls, any question for the uke's?

- Fangirls' raise their hands -

Blaise: Let's see – points – You there! What's your question?

Luna: Draco – what's it like when Harry fucks you?

Draco: WHO SAID I WAS BOTTOM?!

Crowd: .;;

Luna: Oh so you don't have sex?

Draco: OF COURSE I HAVE SEX! HARRY IS ALWAYS HORNY! GOD HE GETS HORNY EVEN AFTER WE HAVE SEX AND HIS DICK IS STILL IN MY ASS!!

Crowd: …

Draco: - blushes and runs off stage –

Harry: - winks to the crowd – I'll go shove my dick up his ass right now. – practically skips out –

Crowd: - some girls leave to take pictures of that -

Ron: - smacks Blaise – I am not doing this.

Girl1: Ron, have you ever topped before?

Girl2: Ron what does Blaise's come **(A/N - pun intended)** taste like?

Ron: …I AM NOT DOING THIS! – leaves after slapping Blaise again –

Blaise – rubs cheek- to answer you're question. No he hasn't. And when I kiss him after a blow job it tastes like honey. (mumbles: I think.)

Ron: LIAR! – emo corner –

Blaise: - shrugs – any questions for me, the seme?

Pansy: Has your dick every gotten stuck in Ron's ass before?

Blaise: - winces – Yeah, only because YOU put magical super glue into the lube you BITCH!

Pansy: - snickers –

Hermione: Do you smoke?

Blaise: - blank look – How is that related at all with this subject?

Hermione: I watch these yaoi anime shows and all the seme's smoke in them.

Blaise: …Hermione, dear, you need to get a life and you need to get laid.

GUNSHOT!

Blaise: - THUD –

Pansy: NO ONE WILL SUGGEST THAT EVER AGAIN!

Crowd: - scatters around scared – RUN A CRAZY BITCH HAS A GUN!

Pansy: - raises eyebrow – It's a paintball gun and the only reason Blaise dropped to the ground is because he took one to the balls.

Crowd: ouch

Pansy: - winks to the readers – For all of you to know… - evil glares – NEVER MESS WITH ME! GOT THAT BITCHES?!

ScifiSOS: Don't worry. I'm scared too.

--

_**Oneshot Title: The Toy**_

_**--**_

"Come on Draco! I am not doing that!"

"Yes you are Harry!"

"WHY? I don't know if I can fit it in there!"

"Harry, you will push it into that hole because that is where it belongs!"

"That wasn't what you said an hour ago!"

"I did say that an hour ago! Now put it into the whole already! You're making me desperate here!"

"No!"

Draco growled.

"HEY! Watch it! You might hurt it if you grab it like that!"

"So what! I said it goes into that hole and whatever a Malfoy says it right!"

"We did it eight times."

"Harry, I said it goes in there and a Malfoy is always right."

A knock came at their bedroom door. "Come in!"

Their seven year old son, Jase, walked in. That brown messy hair just like his father, and silver eyes just like his...Daddy. "What are you two doing?" the boy went up to them and raised an eyebrow at the toy in Draco's hands.

Harry sighed and looked at their handmade childrens toy too. They were having trouble finding out where this little screw went too but every time they placed it into the empty hole Draco kept mentioning it broke.

Harry sighed. "We were trying to put together the toy you broke."

Draco glared at the toy. "Yes, but every time we put we put this screw in the hole on the arm it falls apart again."

The two parents looked at their son who was trying his best to not give them the 'are you stupid' look. The boy sighed and took the toy. He turned it to his father's to show them the toy's bottom. He took the screw and twisted it in there. He handed them back the toy and left the room trying to just hold back some more giggles until he reached his room.

Harry looked at Draco and the toy. He smiled. "We do it every day and yet we couldn't figure out why there was a hole on the bottom. We must be getting rusty."

Draco glared at Harry and threw the toy to the ground. "Har Har."

--

_**Oneshot Title: Draco's Rant**_

_**Do not take this one seriously – it's on crack and meant as a joke so don't flame on what is said in this you fangirls! 3**_

_**--**_

Draco: - hits the microphone – what the hell is this?

Person: You're on!

Draco: What's on?

Person: - whispers – speak into the microphone dumbass

Draco: - puts the microphone closer – WHO ARE YOU CALLING A DUMBASS?!

Everyone: - falls over and out of their seats –

Draco: - blushes – Sorry. (mumbles: Stupid muggle thing) Anyways I wanted to talk about something that everyone seems to misunderstand.

Draco: - coughs – I am NOT gay.

Harry: - pops up in the back and sneaks behind Draco-

Draco: I wasn't written as a gay person in the book. I also do not want to have sex with Harry Potter. I do not even want to have sex with Blaise…he's my friend for Merlin's sake! Not to mention that Harry is my rival.

Harry: - scribbles on a board and holds it up – **He's still in denial, I fucked him last week. Also we had a threesome with Blaise four days ago and two days ago a foursome with Blaise and Ron. So yup…denial. We got over that denial thing when I accidently had a one night stand with him. Yup. **

Draco: Also – I do not like being written as a cry baby! I mean whenever people do right me as a gay character I end up…GAH! I end up a pussy! Especially if I'm the bottom, it's just pathetic on how I'm written.

_**ScifiSOS: - cries in emo corner – but I like it Draco to be cute and crybabyish. **_

Harry: - scribbles n shows – **He's a guy, I checked yesterday. He just won't admit that he's a little softy on the inside. He cried last week when I threw his chocolate frog out the window - BY ACCIDENT. Take notes people I got perfect black mail material.**

Draco: AND ANOTHER THING! I want to clear this up. Just because two guy's fuck and that their wizards does NOT mean their magic gets the bottom pregnant! I mean HOW THE FUCK WOULD THE BABY GET OUT?! HUH?! Sure you come up with creative ways but, Sweet Merlin, for a baby to come out of the ass. That's like OUCH! I'd rather shoot my leg.

Harry: - scribbles n shows – **I think he's pregnant right now. He has been throwing up for the last two weeks and getting dizzy at random moments. Don't break the news – DRACO IS GOING TO HAVE A BABY COME OUT OF HIS ASS! Oh, and I'm the daddy – claps –**

Crowd member: CONGRATULATIONS!

Draco: …What the fuck…?? …Thanks?

Draco: - shakes his head – And another subject…VOLDEMORT DOES NOT – I repeat – DOES NOT RAPE ME OR MY FATHER OR ANYONE ELSE WHO FOLLOWS HIM! God, I'd rather die.

Harry: - scribbles n shows – **You can't rape the willing. I can't believe Draco dated Voldemort for a year. I mean who wants to date the baldy, greasy, overly pale, no nosed Voldy? Oh! Did you know he attended a death eater orgy and got fucked by his own father? EW! I still wonder how I can fuck him after finding that out.**

Crowd: - snickers-

Draco: - glare and turns head around –

Harry: Meep.

Draco: - faces Harry throws microphone at Harry who ducks – WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!? – takes the boards and reads them – OH YOU ARE SO DEAD! SEE IF YOU GET ANY SEX Tonig-…

Harry: - smiles, waves bye, and runs -

Draco: …- takes his wand out and turns to the crowd- OBLIVIATE!

His anger multiplies the power and the crowd is now knocked out.

Draco: I am so going to kill you Harry Potter. – Stalks off the stage ready to kill –

_**--**_

_**End of my oneshots. I got to say I was high on sugar for some of them. Hope you enjoyed all um…six of them.**_

_**Have a nice and fun day!**_


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